Weekly Constellation 02
Dress up your fears
Good afternoon, a meteor shower fell on New York City last night, only you may have missed it for the snow. What does it mean for one blessing to fall into your lap, even though you were expecting another?
There doesn’t seem to be enough sleep to remedy my exhaustion. The radiators suck the moisture from every room, but they are working and we are warm. I’ve spent too much time on the internet, I’ve also befriended my coworker, started beefing with a different coworker. The nature of my job makes it that I interact with creative entrepreneurs daily, and my usual takeaway is how much audacity they have, and how much I am leaving on the table. Sometimes I feel miserable, but cannot place my finger on why, and only recently it has dawned on me that misery is a condition I have set for myself, and will always return to no matter what the circumstances are. I’m trying to change that.
I revisited Rachel Cusk’s Outline this week and came upon this quote:
“The best way to confront our fears is to put them in costume, so to speak; to translate them, for the simple act of translation very often renders things harmless.”
It’s never occurred to me to dress up my fears, turn them into something else. My fear of closeness becomes a careful examination of my heart, or perhaps I become a woman who adores the small pauses of intimacy in conversation. I take the fear, which seems always inevitable, and I give it a new role, one in which it can exist and so can I.
This week’s endeavors:
A Reading— Temple Folk by Aliyah Bilal
I began reading this collection of stories, shortlisted for the National Book award. A remarkable feat for a debut author and her debut editor. I remember this vividly because it was my first semester of grad school and my professor had just been hired at Simon & Schuster. He tweeted he was looking for a particular book, Bilal responded with a manuscript. I remember him discussing the editing processes with us, the ins and outs of the publishing industry. We passed around the first bound copy amongst each other, the edges worn from numerous trips up and down Manhattan in the saddle bag of our professor. I met Bilal at AWP in March, she was kind, and beautiful, and elegant. The stories center American Muslims, Black ones in particular. I bought the book at Adanne, a black woman owned bookshop in Bed-Stuy. That class, and this book inadvertently have become a special part of my literary practice and I am excited to dive deeper into its pages.
An Album— Endlessness by Nala Sinephro
Sinephro was my most listened to artist of 2025. In fact, this album dominated every other category as well. My boyfriend put on her music one night in March while we drank and read poetry. It has since carried me through yoga practices, early morning commutes, house cleaning rituals, it’s my preferred album to write to, it’s even good for sex. Ambient and exploratory, intimate, and expansive, I have been enthralled with her music ever since.
An Outing— Drinks with an old friend at a local bar
A professor passed on Thursday of last week. A classmate wrote to me Sunday to share the news. We decided to head to a bar that evening, and pour one out for Mark Mirsky. We took his class on turning journals into prose. He sent an extensive reading list. My initial impression of him was that he was distracted, complacent with his syllabus. The two of us went on to argue over many classes about Thoreau, he inspired some of the work I have had the opportunity to share at numerous readings, i taught him about hotels, he told me to write more about my father, about Birmingham. He shared countless stories about his life, meeting Clarice Lispector at a party, driving his motorcycle all up and down the eastern seaboard. He was sharp, decisive, read both quickly and thoroughly, always remembered my name and always encouraged good writing, particularly impacting the lives of several young Black and Brown women. We toasted to Mirsky in the bar, were accosted by a drunken man, smoked with the bartender, and stumbled back home.
A Film— Rachel Getting Married
I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had seen this movie before. At least a few scenes, on a breezy Sunday afternoon when I was hardly a teenager, flipping channels to find something good. I joined the movie back then as the father had turned loading the dishwasher into a friendly competition and the whole house, maybe ten, fifteen people were gathered in the warmly lit kitchen watching this charismatic man stack chinoiserie and rinse glasses, cheering him on. It seemed so trite, but it stuck with me. I wanted my family to feel like that. Of course, this week I watched the whole movie, and now I can gratefully say, I do not wish I was in that family. Instead I look closer at my own family, our imperfections, what love we have managed to share. Despite the weird multicultural angle this film seems to go in— one that would likely not fly in 2025— I still admire the depth and warmth the director was able to portray. Now that I am at the age where I can begin defining my own family, these are elements I seek to bring with me.
Newly Intriguing: finding the correct winter weather clothing. It is my fourth winter up north and I have only just nailed the correct amount of sweaters one person has to own in order to live here (the answer is 6 plus a cardigan for the house). Now I am on the hunt for a good base layer. Uniqlo has been recommended a handful of times, but I have personal beef with synthetic clothing (I sweat when I’m anxious…which is always). So I’ve been scouring online for cotton and wool leggings and long-sleeves to go under said perfected sweaters. I’m also looking for snow boots that aren’t completely awful to look at.
Upcoming events/places to be:
At your local bar/cafe— there’s so many hidden gems, even in neighborhoods you frequent. One of my rules for meeting new people is becoming a regular at a neighborhood spot. Take a long walk and stumble into a place you’ve never been. It keeps the heart warm in cold weather.
This Week’s Therapy:
Being bored. With the inundation of entertainment and advertisements, I find that I do actually have to do this intentionally. My headphones broke so I’ve mostly been staring into space during my hour long commutes. The irony is, when I refuse too pull out a crossword or TikTok, I receive some very beautiful ideas.
Ritual:
Wake up an hour earlier than usual
peel out of bed and turn on soft music
pray a bit, as much as your mind allows
put on a pot of coffee and make breakfast
sit with your favorite mug, and your favorite plate in front of a window if you can
be undisturbed
open your journal and write all of the mess that is clouding your mind while you finish your coffee
bathe and dress for the day
Community Support Group:
Handmade gifts for friends and family! If you are low on money, or have a wide variety of people to gift to, simple handmade gifts made in bulk can be a great solution. One year I gave my entire friend group those $1 crystals from a gem shop with a letter explaining the significance and how it related to them. As a hobby photographer, I have gifted family members photoshoots with their favorite things, drawings of their favorite items, and framed poems and photographs. lean into what you’re already good at and customize it. If all else fails, everyone likes a handwritten letter expressing all the ways in which they have impacted your life (positively…)
Next week we’ll have a new moon, prepare your list of intentions, and your vision boards, too.
All the best,
Madison
enjoying these a ton 💌