Weekly Constellation 07
the queen's gambit or whatever
A new moon occurs on Wednesday, two days later is the end of mercury retrograde. The US is at war and it feels like winter again. What greatness has been germinating, and how will you grow the seeds into fruitful vessels?
I’ve been rereading Poetry is Not a Luxury, which earnestly, I think should be read once a week, particularly for women, particularly for Black women. I keep coming back to this line here:
Poetry is not only, not a luxury, but could be the necessary language needed to coax your spirit, your emotions, your voice forward. It can be, and these are my thoughts, a tool for personal development, liberation, and a method to more deeply understand the self.
I think it is so ingrained in many of us, that to indulge in the arts is superfluous, and if one does indulge one has to be excellent at them, worth renown. This is not true. It is a difficult unlearning. That the poem is not worthy because it is good or bad, but rather because it is or isn’t. There can be entirely private practices of art as well.
Over the course of this week I have learned that my defiance has landed me with a losing hand at work. I, refusing to be mistreated, have opted out of the game of politics the rest of my office plays. Some of my coworkers I admire because they learned a long time ago what their most beneficial strategy was. Some of my coworkers I am impressed by because of how brazenly they abuse power with no real consequence. They had a strategy, and it worked. I did not have a strategy and so my only options were: do whatever they wanted me to or leave. Neither of which sounded good to me. My boyfriend and I watched several episodes of Industry, though, the other night, and now I think strategy is sexy. Moreover, I think strategy is required. Everyone has an ego and a desire, including myself. No matter how often I presume everyone will do the right thing, even I make gross oversights which others must account for. This feels like another one of those things I didn’t know I’d need to put a ton of effort into, like figuring out insurance, as an adult.
I am reading Ways of Seeing by John Berger right now. I like it less than the Susan Sontag essays, but it is more widely read, and you are more likely to come across someone else who has read the book. It’s a great intro to art history, or perfect for outlining the basics if you have an interest in any sort of aesthetic arts for which you are self-taught. Berger and colleagues have also introduced to me the visual essay, which is a string of photographs with no words around them except perhaps their titles, and the person who made them. Returning to the ‘rules’ has great benefit if you are looking for grounding in your art practice. Seeing what everyone has largely agreed upon can not only give you historical context for the works you regularly interact with, but opportunity to explore in your own practice.
This weekend I left work heading to a surprise party I was two hours late for. The group played four person Mario Kart which I opted out of, being much too competitive and much too awful at hand-eye coordination for my involvement to result in anything other than my very visible displeasure and some cutting remarks at people I don’t know all that well. I learned this the first time I played settlers of Catan and lost badly and was never invited back. Ha! Further proof how poorly I navigate strategy games and how upset I get when I inevitably lose. What is a girl to do?
I have been listening to ambient albums at night while I stretch and get ready for bed. My boyfriend first introduced me to Napa Sinephro. Then TikTok brought me to the Pharoah Sanders album he made with the London Symphony Orchestra. And at last my boyfriend has made his own with a few friends— Number One Yoga music, the first song has just been released. Music for when you want to feel silent, but need an external instrument to guide your feelings without pressuring them into words or dance.
This week I am newly intrigued with editing my novel. I’ve just rewritten the entire thing, a ten-month endeavor after realizing I wasn’t writing the truth about my subject matter. Now I have a new draft and 50,000 words and a pencil, marking and marking and trying my best not to feel humiliated.
This week’s ritual has been decked out tea blends. I went to the health foods store with my mom and walked out with St. John’s Wort, a winter tea blend, fenugreek powder, and lemon balm. Threw everything into a pot with some cinnamon and rooibos for flavor and honey to taste and indulged. I caught a little something in my throat and switched to a spiced blackberry tea from yogi, and added nettle, cinnamon, fresh ginger, and a whole lemon to soothe my body. Absolutely delicious and much needed. Myself and tea have had an on again off again relationship, but I’ve been looking for more ways to unwind at night and add nutrients into my routine.
For community support group, consider showing up for friends and family even when you are not feeling at your peak. Decide on a rhythm when you are on your way, and settle into it. Maybe you will be smooth and calm and searching for meaningful conversation. Maybe you will be spontaneous and loud, making your presence felt and leaving as soon as the energy mellows. Aspire to connect, even when it feels inconvenient. If you are like me and trying to balance maintaining friendships with unpack personal issues. Create a core principle to show up for others. They will notice, as will you. You may walk out of the dinner or the party feeling more alive than you would have if you stayed home watching movies. There is a time for everything, mind you. Just make time for those you love.
In terms of strategy, a big question of mine has been: what is it that I want? and then: what am I willing to do to get there? This can be difficult for me, I am drawn to possibility and not necessarily picky about outcome. I am notoriously picky about what I do not want, though. Tons of self help professionals will ask you about your Why, and I suppose for good reason. Without it, you become short sighted, small obstacles feel like death knells. If you have any insight, particularly if you are a multi-hyphenate, let me know your thoughts!
I’ll see you next week.
Mads